What is Lost and What Can Be Found
by Tsukikage Hoshiko
Summary: Can we ever recover from losing key components of our being? Sense of purpose, innocence, the will to live? How do the lost live on? How can we be found? In which a very different interpretation of Karamatsu struggles with suicide and his painful existence
1. Reflections - Mirror, Mirror

People thought that he was looking at himself when he looked into the mirror.

That would make sense, right? Afterall, why else would you look into a mirror?

But they would be wrong.

Karamatsu did not see himself when he looked into his hand mirror. Instead, he saw his brothers. His brothers who all shared his face.

They were the reason, afterall.

The reason he was still here.

The reason for his act, his 'cool guy' facade.

His reason for living.

It was midway through High School when he realized just how hard living could be. Just what was the point? Study hard, get a job, marry and have kids… and then what? In the end, what would any of it all mean? Studying was such troublesome work, working as an adult would be so fucking boring. Marriage? That sounded like a drag, and kids could be so annoying.

Living is hard, it is troublesome. It is… painful.

Dying would be so easy, a quick easy death and he would not have to face the drudgery of this miserable life. Afterall, everyone had to die sometime, right?

However…

He still loved his brothers and he knew that they would miss him if he died now.

Suicide now would be selfish and would hurt his loved ones so much.

If only he could leave this world and not be missed…

If they hated him… They would not miss him, right? In fact, they might be happy to see him go, relieved even. He could leave this life without regrets then.

His time in the drama club had paid off. The insufferable, narcissistic, 'cool guy' was born. A persona that was so painful that even his brothers could grow to hate it. It was perfect. He only had to wait for the right time now.

His body was broken but on the mend, he was in pain as he leaned into his crutch and watched his brothers' retreating backs.

The pain wasn't from his body though, it was a sharp pain in his heart.

Tears streamed down his face, but they were not entirely tears of sorrow. There were some tears of relief.

Finally.

Finally, he could leave.

They had forgotten him. They didn't need him. They hated him. They chose _**pears**_ over him.

They would be glad that he was gone.

He pushed aside the pain that their hatred caused, it was what he had worked so hard for, after all.

But that didn't make it hurt any less.

He ambled over to the park bench that Ichimatsu had recently vacated and flopped down. He winced in pain as the sudden jolt aggravated his injuries.

But that was alright, soon he wouldn't be feeling any pain ever again.

He pulled out the bottle of prescribed pain meds that he had just filled. They were strong drugs, so very easy to overdose on, and he had an entire week's worth. Popping off the lid, he dried swallowed the pills, two at a time until the entire bottle was empty.

Karamatsu leaned back and closed his eyes, hoping to fall into an eternal slumber.

On a whim, he pulled that damn mirror out for what he hoped to be the last time.

Peering into the mirror, he smiled. He imagined his smile would look just like his brothers' when they found out the news.

Feeling the strength start to fade from his body and his limbs growing heavy, he dropped the hated mirror. A satisfying crashing sound indicated that the mirror had shattered upon impact.

Karamatsu looked to the sky one last time.

He admired the beautiful sunset, thinking it was quite appropriate, the end of the day along with the end of his life.


	2. Reflections - When it All Falls Apart

**Beep!**

The electric chime of some machine was the first thing he heard. Coming out of the darkness slowly, like the rising sun, he slowly became aware of his surroundings.

He was on a bed.

Beep!

His body ached all over and his limbs felt heavy.

Beep!

The room smelled of antiseptic.

Beep!

Breathing was hard…

Breathing?!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Karamatsu's eyes flew open, and he was practically blinded by the intensity of the lights. He sat up quickly, despite how much his body protested the movement.

No…

He was in a hospital… He was… He was alive.

Fuck.

His heart raced as rage consumed him.

He wasn't supposed to survive!

Yanking out his IV line, he then proceeded to grab the nearest object and throw it at the heart monitor, smashing it to pieces.

"FUCK!"

Rage and adrenaline overcame his weakened body and allowed him to wreak havoc. He grabbed anything he could get his hands on as he smashed whatever he could.

"This wasn't supposed to happen! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" He roared out.

He had gone according to plan! How the fuck did he fail?

"I wasn't supposed to be saved!" He screamed as he threw a chair against the nearest wall, the poor piece of furniture broke upon impact, quickly becoming kindling.

Strong arms encircled him, trapping him and restricting his movement.

He heard voices urging him to calm down, but they barely pierced the haze of his infuriated state.

A sharp prick on the side of his neck, and he soon lost consciousness.

The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the worried faces of his brothers.

Fuck.


	3. Truth - Revelations

When Karamatsu next woke up, he found that he ached all over, but more importantly…

 _Chink!_

He tested the restraints that kept his hands to the sides of the bed. There was just enough slack that he could scratch his nose if need be, but other than that he couldn't do much else. They were far too strong for him to break. He tried wiggling his body and found that his legs were free but he was secured to the bed around his midsection.

Deciding that he was not going to be able to leave at the moment, he mulled over the situation.

Fact 1: He was alive.

Fact 2: He was in a hospital.

Fact 3: He was restrained. (Probably in response to his freak out when he woke up the last time)

That meant that someone must have found him in time. He had thought that overdosing on the painkillers would be fairly quick and that the park had been empty. He didn't expect that anyone would be able to find him in time to save him.

It was very likely that he was on suicide watch now, afterall, it would be hard to explain away the overdose in any other way.

He remembered seeing his brother's faces before he blacked out the last time.

They looked… Worried. Why?

Karamatsu didn't have any time to ponder that tidbit, because a moment later, the door opened and his five identical brothers spilled in.

"Karamatsu! Thank Akatsuka-sensei!" His only big brother moved to embrace him. "When we found you, we thought that you weren't going to make it!"

They found him?

"Don't touch me!" He said sharply, his discomfort elevated his emotions and made it impossible to wear his 'cool guy' mask.

Osomatsu recoiled at his brother's tone.

"K-karamatsu?"

"Why are you here?" He asked coldly.

No, no, no! This couldn't be happening!

"W-what do you mean?" Osomatsu was bewildered by his brother's demeanor.

"I mean, why do you care?" Karamatsu clarified, his voice was frigid.

"Karamatsu-niisan, you're our brother. Of course we care." Todomatsu spoke up tentatively, he was frightened by Karamatsu's uncharacteristic anger.

"Why? Why would you save me? Why don't you hate me?" The second brother was beyond frustrated. All his careful planning was for naught.

"We don-"

"You chose _**pears**_ over me! Don't fucking act like you care now!" Karamatsu was practically screaming at this point.

Osomatsu tried to lighten the mood. "C'mon, couldn't you tell when we were just teasing? We didn't mean it like that." He forced a chuckle as he rubbed the underside of his nose.

Karamatsu just stared at his brothers with disbelief.

"How can you say that you don't hate me? I fucking hate myself! I fucking hate that whole shitty 'cool guy' persona! Don't you hate it too?" Karamatsu yelled out in frustration. He couldn't believe this!

"K-karamatsu-niisan?" A small, timid voice caught his attention.

All of his brothers were looking at him in wide-eyed shock, but he was surprised that it was the fourth son that had spoken up. He couldn't remember the last time Ichimatsu had addressed him normally.

Defeated, he fell back against the bed. "I don't fucking believe it."

"You're telling me that the last few years were a complete waste of time? I created that fucking painful persona just so you would hate me. And it was all of it was for nothing?" He asked rhetorically. He ranted, unmindful of his audience.

Choromatsu was baffled, he struggled to find the right wording. "W-what? Why would you-?"

"If you hated me, you wouldn't miss me, right? I could go and off myself with no guilt." Karamatsu said with a shrug.

"Story of my fucking life." He spat out hatefully. "I can't even die right."

"Karamatsu just how long have you been planning this?" Osomatsu asked, his voice was dead serious for once.

"Six years, brother." The Blue Matsu said with a humorless smile. "I've been planning this ever since… Well, it doesn't even matter anymore, does it?

The brothers were filled with so many questions, but before they could ask any more Karamatsu spoke up again.

"Please leave, I want to be alone." He said with a tired voice.

"Kara-" Osomatsu started.

"LEAVE!" Karamatsu cut him off. He yelled angrily while struggling against the restraints in his agitation. "JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!"

He couldn't stand it any longer, he thrashed and screamed, all of his bottled up frustration and anger coming out.

A team of nurses rushed in to administer sedatives and restrain him. The last thing he saw before everything went black was his brothers' horrified faces.


	4. Truth - Analysis

Patient: Matsuno Karamatsu

Age: 22

Admitted on1/24/2016 for an overdose on Vicodin. High probability of the overdose being a suicide attempt.

Upon admittance to the hospital, the Vicodin was flushed from the patient's system. However a high dosage was still metabolized. Further testing will need to be done to ascertain if any damage to the organs occurred from the overdose.

Upon first awakening, the patient became hysterical and needed to be sedated.

Restraints were put in place as a precaution to prevent further self-harm.

Upon patient's second awakening he spoke briefly to his family before again becoming hysterical and was sedated.

The brief conversation with his brothers has confirmed that the overdose was a suicide attempt.

Further evaluation on the patient's mental state has been inconclusive because the patient has become unresponsive. The patient refuses to speak, and has also begun to refuse meals.

 _Note: Patient seems aware of his surroundings, but unwilling to communicate_.

If this persists, a food tube may become necessary.

Family members have indicated that the patient stated that he had been planning his suicide for at least 6 years.

Despite not having spoken to the patient himself, I recommend that he be admitted to the psychiatric ward and placed under suicide watch.


	5. Hindsight - Osomatsu

_**Osomatsu**_

Osomatsu wasn't really sure when everything had gone to shit, but he thought it might have been at the start of High School.

The sexptuplets were all in separate classes at that point, which was a first for them. It was at that time that they all figured out who they were outside of being one out of six.

Choromatsu seemed to thrive with the responsibilities of being the class representative and his grades improved as well. Oso thought that this might have been the time that the third son started to get into the idol scene, but he wasn't really sure.

Jyushimatsu seemed become more hyper and crazy. He had always been interested in baseball, but it was during this time that he became obsessed with the sport. Even though he joined the school team, he was not able to gain a spot on the regular team, but he still diligently practiced every day.

Todomatsu seemed to click with the popular kids. Getting into all the latest fashion as well as gossip. He seemed to be the most 'normal' out of all the brothers, well, at least he was the most social.

Ichimatsu seemed to retreat into himself. He had always been pretty quiet, but somehow he went from being a quiet, shy boy to a belligerent, moody teen that gave off an aura of darkness.

It was then that Ichimatsu became so hostile towards Karamatsu for reasons that Osomatsu never learned. When the brothers tended to pair off from the group, Karamatsu ended up with Todomatsu most of the time. But if Karamatsu was not with Todomatsu, he would usually be with Ichimatsu.

The two of them were both quiet by nature, and seemed to be able to bond even in silence. Ichimatsu liked being with cats and could play with them all day if given the chance. Karamatsu, on the other hand, had a variety of hobbies. He would draw and sew on occasion. He was the only brother that learned how to mend and make his own clothes. At the end of Middle School, he received a guitar that he would play every day at that time.

Just how had Karamatsu slipped through the cracks?

Karamatsu joined the drama club in his first year of High School. After recovering from a minor scuffle that occurred before the start of the school year, he seemed to throw himself into acting. Even though he was terrible at it.

Midway through their first year of High School, Karamatsu started to adopt his 'cool guy' demeanor. At first, the brothers would simply laugh at him, as if it were a great joke. Over time though, it would become more and more tiresome as well as embarrassing. They all eventually became used to purposefully ignoring Karamatsu and his painful ways.

Karamatsu was not the brother that he had ever really worried about. For all his lameness, he was probably the most mature, was the most put together out of them all.

So how had this happened?


	6. Hindsight - Choromatsu

_**Choromatsu**_

" _Why were you even born, Karamatsu?"_

Choromatsu wished that he could take back those carelessly hurtful words. Although, that wasn't the first time he had said something so cruel.

As brothers, they would annoy and tease each other. Sometimes they would mess with each other just for the hell of it. But with Karamatsu, there seemed to be a special level of cruelty that they reserved for him, and him alone.

Why was that?

Growing up, Choromatsu had always felt that he was in direct competition with Karamatsu. A competition, that he had always smugly believed that he was winning.

Really, he should have been the first born, he was clearly the most suited for the task. But if not the eldest, then the second eldest. When they were kids, he was always closest to Osomatsu. He was pretty much regarded as the #2 brother regardless of their birth order. Even though he called Karamatsu 'niisan', he had never really looked at him that way.

The empty headed idiot, _clearly_ was not suited to being the #2 brother. But still, the birth order was set, and could never be changed, no matter how much he wished otherwise.

So if Choromatsu was a little meaner to Karamatsu than the rest of his brothers, so what? He still was the responsible one, he still looked after his brothers even if they annoyed the hell out of him.

But this last time… He had failed Karamatsu. Oh, he had put in a token effort to help save him when Chibita had kidnapped him, but he was just as easily distracted by the pears as his brothers.

It really should not have been a surprise that Karamatsu thought that they hated him.

But…

He really thought that they wouldn't miss him? That they would be happy if he died?

The very thought of losing one of his brothers was like a knife to his heart.

For being the 'most responsible one', he had sure failed to look after Karamatsu.


	7. Hindsight - Todomatsu

_**Todomatsu**_

When they were kids and would pair off from the group, Todomatsu always ended up with Karamatsu. It wasn't because they got along the best either.

Osomatsu and Choromatsu got along well, because Osomatsu had the 'take charge' attitude and Choromatsu was clever enough to make a plan to implement whatever the eldest had in mind.

Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu just seemed to complement each other. Being on somewhat opposite ends of the spectrum, one's strengths were the other's weaknesses. Together, they were a much more rounded person, just in two bodies.

But for Karamatsu and himself… Karamatsu had so many hobbies and interests that he was fairly self-contained. He enjoyed his brothers' company, but didn't mind being on his own. Unlike Todomatsu, who as a child was used to being babied as the youngest. Karamatsu would hang out with Todomatsu because he didn't want the youngest son to be left behind.

Always the good older brother.

Todomatsu had always appreciated that about Karamatsu. He may not have been their 'leader' (that was Osomatsu) or the most 'responsible' (Choromatsu), but he always thought that Karamatsu had the best 'big brother' instincts.

It was great for Todomatsu, who always liked to be spoiled, to have so much of Karamatsu's attention. But children grow up, and Todomatsu eventually changed in what he wanted.

It was in High School that he started to stand on his own.

He didn't just want to be one of the sexptuptlets. He didn't want to just be known as 'the youngest son'. He was Matsuno Todomatsu, he was his own person.

Thankfully in High School they were all split up into separate classes. He finally had the opportunity to be known just as himself, rather than in relation to his brothers.

He would spend less and less time with his brothers and got to know his classmates better. Todomatsu found that he was very skilled at figuring out how to play with people's social perceptions. He latched onto the idea of being 'cute'. Someone that people could be friendly with and that was non-threatening. It came naturally since he acted similarly to get his way within his family. He would always play up the 'youngest' angle, which would always work with his parents, but with his brothers it tended to be a hit or miss.

With Karamatsu though, it was always a hit. But then again, Karamatsu was always eager to help any of his siblings, so it was really nothing special.

But then Karamatsu started with his 'cool guy' routine. At first it was kinda funny, but it quickly grew old as it became more and more embarrassing. Todomatsu would try to distance himself from his brothers socially, _especially_ Karamatsu.

Over time, the others became used to ignoring Karamatsu and his painful ways. Their usual teasing of each other became more malicious when it turned to the second brother. And Todomatsu was no different.

How did he repay the brother that stood by him so he would not be alone?

He turned his back on him, left him alone.

He abandoned Karamatsu.

Some brother he was.


	8. Hindsight - Jyushimatsu

_**Jyushimatsu**_

Jyushimatsu had known.

He knew that Karamatsu-niisan was hiding his sadness. Oh, he hadn't known that the second brother had been plotting his suicide, but he knew that the 'cool guy' routine was all fake.

The real Karamatsu was really, really different.

Whereas his facade was stupid and loud, Jyushimatsu knew that Karamatsu was smart. Real smart. People used to call him 'karappo-matsu'* because they thought he had an empty head when they were younger. But the truth was far from that. Karamatsu sometimes did nothing _but_ think. And he had always been pretty quiet, at least until he started playing the guitar.

(*karappo means 'empty' and is what Karamatsu's name is a play on words for, even though Karamatsu is actually the Japanese word for the Larch tree)

Karamatsu received his guitar for his birthday in their last year of Middle School. He had taught himself how to play and would play it every free moment he had. Eventually, he started writing his own songs.

But just before High School that had abruptly stopped.

Jyushimatsu didn't know the details, but he had heard that Ichimatsu and Karamatsu had gotten in a fight with some street punks and Karamatsu had taken quite the beating.

Karamatsu's right hand had been broken, but even after it was all healed up, he still had not touched his guitar. It had just sat in the closet collecting dust.

During that time, when Karamatsu thought that no one was looking, he always looked so sad. Like he had broken something precious with no clue on how to put together the pieces.

"Karamatsu-niisan! Let's go sing!" Jyushimatsu tackle hugged his brother who had been moping.

"Eh?" Karamatsu looked up, startled. He had been lost in his own world.

"Let's go sing together! We haven't done that in a really, really long time!" Jyushimatsu said in a half pout. He really wanted Karamatsu to agree since music had always seemed to make him happier.

A pained look crossed the Blue Matsu's face quickly before it was replaced by a regretful smile. "I would love to sing one of our duets again but alas…"

There was a dramatic pause. "My injuries will not allow me to play as I once did."

What? Still? Jyushimatsu looked at Karamatsu's hand, it looked fine. They had taken off the cast months ago, and it seemed to be fully recovered.

"My hand… I never recovered full feeling. Although I can use it, I don't have as much control over it. I can't do much of the fancier fingerings, I'm limited to only a few cords that I can switch back and forth from." Karamatsu explained.

"I can't play anything more than a simple, boring song." He said, apologetically. Jyushimatsu could hear the pain in his brother's voice.

"That's okay! We can have a simple song! It can even be a cappella! We always have such funny lyrics, we can focus on those." Jyushimatsu was not to be deterred.

"I cannot sing long, my little Jyushimatsu. Perhaps only a song or two." Karamatsu warned. "Unfortunately, my vocal cords were also damaged. I can't put too much strain on them."

Jyushimatsu nodded vigorously, happy that Karamatsu was not just saying 'no' despite all the restrictions.

As the two went to go sing their special duet Jyushimatsu couldn't help but remember how much Karamatsu loved music.

His heart clenched as he remembered one very key fact.

Wasn't it Karamatsu's dream to become a rock star?

How was it for him to have lost his dream?


	9. Hindsight - Ichimatsu

_**Ichimatsu**_

 _Six years… What happened six years ago?_

 _"I believe in you!"_

Ichimatsu had always had a soft spot for small animals, so when he saw a couple of punks terrorizing a cat, he didn't hesitate to tackle them. Even though he was outnumbered three to one, he fought with such a ferocity that he was able to hold them back until his brother caught up to him.

He and Karamatsu had been walking home after running an errand for their mother. Both brothers had noticed the disturbance but it was Ichimatsu that went in with fists flying. He had never really been good at controlling his emotions, especially his temper.

With Karamatsu joining the fight, they were easily able to take down the three punks, both of them being no strangers to fist fights. But they had little time to celebrate because when they looked up, there were at least ten more punks running toward them, shouting loudly.

Realizing how outnumbered they were, the two brothers exchanged a look before they booked it out of there.

Unfortunately, they were unfamiliar with that part of town, and so they turned into an alleyway that had a tall fence. Karamatsu gave Ichimatsu a boost over the fence, and it wasn't until the fourth brother was already on the other side that they realized Karamatsu would not be able to follow without help.

"Karamatsu-niisan! Wait there! I'll come back around!" Ichimatsu was starting to panic, he could hear the shouts of their pursuers getting closer.

"No! Just go! Get help!" Karamatsu yelled out. "I think there is a police box nearby. Go and get help! I'll just try to hide."

Ichimatsu didn't want to leave his brother behind, but he knew that they needed help and it would waste precious time backtracking to reunite with his brother.

After a moment of indecision, he bit his lip and said. "I-I'll go get help! J-just hang in there Niisan!"

"I believe in you!" He could hear his brother say as he sprinted off.

When he finally found the police box and returned to the spot he had last seen his brother, they were in time to scare off the group of punks. Those punks had been so caught up in their game of beating the Blue Matsu that they were startled from hearing the police whistle and immediately ran away.

Karamatsu had been beaten pretty badly. Even though none of his injuries were life threatening, it was still a several month recovery time.

But… Karamatsu never blamed him.

He was never angry with him.

Ichimatsu was so angry with himself. Guilt stirred in the pit of his stomach every time he looked at Karamatsu. He had never been very good with dealing with his emotions though, he would always lash out at the wrong person. Even though it was himself that he was angry at, it always seemed to be Karamatsu that he took it out on. He was such an easy target.

But it was wrong, and he knew it was wrong so he hated himself even more. His anger grew and he tried to control it by burying his emotions. He did his best not to think about his reasons for self hatred, and just accepted that it just was there.

Even after everything, Karamatsu never treated him any differently.

He still smiled and treated him kindly. He would still tell him 'I believe in you'. But rather than being encouraging, each time he heard those words, it was like salt being rubbed in his wounds. He was reminded of his failure.

Fueling his self hatred, it would cause him to lash out and take out on Karamatsu. Maybe if he could provoke his older brother to fight back, he could absolve some of his guilt.

But Karamatsu never fought back, and that just made it worse.

His guilt would grow, he would lash out to provoke a reaction, but failing that would just cause his guilt to grow even more.

A vicious cycle…

One that he didn't know how to stop.


	10. Lost

_**Karamatsu**_

He had been so naive.

How had he really thought that he could break their brotherly bonds with some horrible acting?

He didn't know what to do with himself anymore. His plan for the last six years had led him to this point, he was _supposed_ to be dead. By failing that, he didn't know how to get himself out of this situation.

He didn't want to live. He had been prepared, he had been ready to leave this life.

If only they hadn't stopped him.

He refused to answer any of the psychiatrists. He knew that his chances of fooling them were pretty much non-existent, and he would probably make things worse.

They were trained to find the truth and see past lies. Karamatsu had depended on a more slight of hand trick to deceive his brothers. He established the persona, and allowed them to build their own ideas and interpretation of what that entailed. He simply had to make sure that nothing major happened to break that perception.

People stop trying to puzzle out your actions once they think they have the answer. That expression? 'It's always the last place you look'? That has truth to it because any reasonable person would, after they found the sought after item, would stop looking.

The same came with questions and answers. Once people think they have the answer, they stop looking.

But now? He couldn't think of an answer that would satisfy the doctors. He might have been able to explain the overdose away as simply being in so much pain that he overdid it on the meds. But that was before his (admittedly) violent reactions upon waking up. Not to mention his little rant/confession to his brothers.

During his assessment sessions he would look at the doctors with calculating eyes, trying to gauge whether or not he could craft some sort of explanation that would allow his release. Unfortunately, he could see that the doctors were studying him just as intently. He knew that he would not be able to fool them.

At this point, he wouldn't even be able to fool his brothers anymore, not with how much he had 'broke character'. They were likely re-evaluating everything that they thought they knew, undoing all his hard work.

Not that it really mattered, since he would have never been able to make his brothers hate him enough that they would be happy with him dying. He felt so stupid for actually believing that they would ever be 'okay' with one of them dying. Afterall, he knew that no matter how much they angered or annoyed him, he still loved them. _He_ would never be 'okay' with any of them dying, so it was ridiculous to think the reverse would be true.

So he was stuck.

He still did not want to live any longer, but he now knew that his death would hurt his family.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, indeed.

"I'm sorry,but there is nothing we can do. The damage is permanent."

The apologetic words of the Doctor did nothing to ease the pain he felt in his heart.

He was devastated. During his recovery from his run-in with those street punks, he consoled himself with the thought that after the cast came off, he would be able to play his beloved guitar again. But then, even after the cast came off, his hand was not the same. It didn't hurt, instead it felt a bit numb. His once nimble fingers felt stiff and refused to cooperate with him. He told himself, that they just needed time to build up strength, they would be back to normal in no time.

But they never got better.

Finally, a month later, he could no longer deny that he was not healing properly. On top of his hand being uncooperative, his voice had also not recovered as well as he would have liked. He could only sing a short time before his voice would become hoarse and his throat would ache.

When he went to the doctor, he had hoped that they would be able to do _something_ , instead…

"It seems that there was some nerve damage to your hand. There is a possibility that it will get better, but it is slim. If you haven't recovered by now, you probably never will. The same goes for your vocal cords."

Karamatsu felt numb inside as his hopes and dreams were destroyed. If it was just his hand, he might have gotten by on just his singing by joining a group or synthesising the music. But to lose both...

"Well, it shouldn't impact your everyday life too much. You will be able to move your hand enough for most things, and your vocal cords will only be strained from singing. Those things will not prevent you from having a happy and full life."

The doctor said lightheartedly, it was obvious that he was trying to cheer Karamatsu up, but it wasn't working.

Karamatsu's dream had been to be a rock star, and now that was impossible.

Karamatsu mumbled 'thank you' to the doctor as he left the office. It felt like he was on autopilot as he made his way home. He just wanted to curl up and die. He wanted to cry and scream at how unfair life was. But for his brothers' sake, he buried those emotions and did his best to pretend that nothing was wrong. Afterall, if nothing could be done, there was no use worrying over it. He especially did not want Ichimatsu to find out, he knew that underneath his little brother's anger there was a deep pool of guilt.

No need to add to that.

As the days went by it became increasingly difficult to act normal. Two things happened that aided him in hiding his feelings.

One thing was that the sextuplets had been put into separate classes this year. By default, they were spending less time together since they no longer shared classes. So that was nearly eight hours of the day not in each other's presence. When you added club activities (Karamatsu had been persuaded to join the drama club by a classmate) most days the brothers didn't see each other except for breakfast, dinner and the bit of time they had before bedtime. Except on weekends that is.

Karamatsu would say that he had plans, and make his brothers think he was meeting up with classmates. But really, he would mostly wander aimlessly through town, lost in his thoughts.

The other thing that allowed him to fool his brothers was all the tricks that he learned from the drama club. Although he had not been initially interested in the club, he only joined because his friend from his class had begged him to, he found the techniques he learned from there to be very useful. He just had to imagine how he normally was, and would go through the motions, visualizing that he actually felt normal. Some days he could actually convince himself that things were fine and nothing was wrong.

But those times were short-lived.

He was able to put on a happy, normal face when his brothers were around, but as time went on, he felt more and more empty. He tried to avoid spending time with his brothers because the act was becoming more and more difficult to pull off.

He was getting so tired of pretending everything was fine. He tried telling himself that his dream was stupid, that he was never good enough to become a rock star anyway and he should just move on.

But move on to what?

Sure he got pretty good grades, but where would that take him? He couldn't really think of any career that interested him, and he didn't want to end up as just a salaryman. Then he started thinking about life after school. Become an adult, get a job, marry and have kids. Thinking about it, it just seemed so pointless. It seemed like such a hassle to work so hard for things he didn't even want.

He didn't want to live.

To him, ever since he found out that the damage was permanent, it was as if the world had lost all color. When he heard music that he liked, it made him happy for a brief moment before his heart started to ache for what he had lost.

When he started to play and sing again with Jyushimatsu, it was a bittersweet experience. For a few minutes, he could pretend that everything was alright again, that he had his music again. But then his hand would start to ache or his voice would give out. And the harsh reality would crash down upon him again.

He didn't want to live, he just wanted to curl up and die in those moments.

What stopped him from acting on his impulses was that he knew that if he committed suicide that his brothers would be devastated.

If only they didn't care so much…

And then one day he made a discovery.

 _ **The wretch, concentrated all in self,**_

 _ **Living, shall forfeit fair renown,**_

 _ **And, doubly dying, shall go down**_

 _ **To the vile dust from whence he sprung**_

 _ **Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.**_

He found an English poem, and he had to look up many of the words before he fully understood it, but it inspired him. 'Unwept' could mean 'unmourned', right? Maybe there was a way to make them not care.

They were all changing, going off in different directions and coming into themselves as individuals. They were no longer as in sync with each other.

If he changed in such a way that they hated him…

Then they wouldn't care if he died or not. He could commit suicide and it wouldn't disrupt their lives. If they hated him enough, maybe they would even be relieved to no longer have him around.

He had to think of what kind of person they would all hate though. He drew some inspiration from the poem and decided that someone conceited, arrogant, and self-involved would be someone they could hate. Most Japanese people would hate a narcissist, since being humble was such a prized virtue, and there was the expression 'the nail that sticks up gets hammered back down'.

He crafted his 'cool guy' persona. Someone who was so horribly tacky, but thought he was cool. Someone stupid and oblivious to what others thought. Someone who was selfish…

Well, the selfish part would be a bit hard, since Karamatsu couldn't resist helping out anyone in need. But if he was conceited enough, they would probably just forget those times of selflessness. If he was loud and stupid enough about it, that would be all people would focus on.

It was hard, putting on the act. He hated the 'cool guy' so much. But he knew if he hated it, then his brothers probably did too.

He could see it working. His brothers would purposely ignore him more and more, as his antics became increasingly embarrassing. It eventually came to a point that they wouldn't even notice him if he was gone.

He bided his time though, waiting for a sign that they really hated him, that they really didn't need him.

When Chibita kidnapped him, and they didn't lift a finger to save him, he thought it might be time. When they threw all those things at him and caused some serious injuries, he thought they might be at that point.

But when he saw them all together without him, after all the trouble they went through to reunite Ichimatsu with his cat, he knew.

They looked complete without him.

They didn't want or need him.

Finally, he could leave this life in peace.


	11. Complications

"Doctor, what is going on?" Matsuyo asked, she felt so helpless.

Upon the threat of having a feeding tube inserted, Karamatsu had reluctantly ended his hunger strike. Despite his grudging willingness to eat again, he found that his body rebelled. Often times the meal that he had just barely been able to choke down came back up only a couple hours later.

His face had become pale and he seemed to be sweating all the time even though his room's temperature was kept fairly cold. The doctors had been monitoring the situation, and had just called the family to explain things.

"Karamatsu's liver has been damaged by the overdose. The damage is too severe to recover from, and he will need a transplant."

This was troubling news, everyone knew that organs for transplant could be hard to find.

"The most reliable way would be to have a living donor, since cadaveric livers are in short supply."

 _Living donor?_

"It is possible for one of you to become a living donor. You can give a portion of your liver, but since in an adult it can grow back it should not cause permanent harm. There are risks involved though, knowing this would any of you be will-"

"I'll do it!" Every Matsuno in the room spoke up without hesitation.

The doctor nodded, pleased by the family's reaction. It was nice to see that his patient was loved so much.

"We will need to do a physical to ensure that you are healthy enough to become a living donor."

He explained, the family nodded and then they were separated to have testing done. Each of them were holding onto hope for Karamatsu.

"Why did you do it?" Todomatsu asked, his voice was unusually somber.

As always when anyone visited him, Karamatsu would avert eye contact and not say a word. No matter how much the brothers yelled at him, no matter how much they pleaded with him, he had not spoken to them since his outburst at them the second time he woke up.

They had been taking turns visiting Karamatsu, trying to elicit some sort of reaction. This time it was the younger sibling set taking their turn. Their testing had been done first, so they were waiting for the rest of their family to finish. Todomatsu had been trying his best to talk to his stubborn older brother while Ichimatsu sat in the corner, an aura of darkness pervading from him. Jyushimatsu appeared to be looking everywhere and nowhere all at once, his characteristic smile was plastered upon his face, but it seemed a bit forced.

"Why? Karamatsu-niisan?" The youngest Matsu's voice was tinged with desperation, the silence from the second eldest was unnerving.

"It was because of your hand, wasn't it?" Jyushimatsu spoke up in a quiet voice.

Karamatsu started and for the first time in days he looked at his brothers. He turned to stared at the fifth son, flinching slightly as the Yellow Matsu held his gaze, for once completely dead serious.

"Not just your hand, but your voice too. They never fully recovered." Jyushimatsu gave a sad, sympathetic smile. "You lost your dream, didn't you? You had wanted to be a rock star, right?"

Karamatsu's eyes widened, just how much did Jyushi know? How much did he see?

"I remember, you broke your hand and your vocal cords were damaged. It was from that time right? When you and Ichi-"

"Shut up!" Karamatsu yelled out in desperation to stop any more of his secrets from being revealed.

 _No no no! After everything I did so that he wouldn't find out..._

Karamatsu's eyes instinctively searched for the fourth brother.

Jyushimatsu reared back like he had been slapped, but it was Ichimatsu whose face had lost all color.

Wide eyed, Ichimatsu left his corner and took a tentative step toward his older brother.

"You…" The Purple Matsu was horrified as the pieces fell into place and he made the connection. "That time…"

Karamatsu's mind raced as struggled to find something deflect the guilt that he knew would come crashing down upon his little brother.

Ichimatsu clenched his fists as he started to tremble with emotion.

"It was from then, wasn't it? When you got so beat up by that street gang." Ichimatsu said, his voice was full of regret.

Karamatsu went still, but his silence spoke volumes.

"It was my fau-"

"Don't flatter yourself." Karamatsu said harshly.

His little brothers looked up in shock at the second eldest's frigid tone.

He pulled up a good bit of arrogance and condescension to complete his 'asshole' facade.

"Your fault?" He scoffed. "Don't insult me. You don't control me. I made my own decisions that day. _I'm_ the one that told you to run. _I'm_ the one that attacked them instead of hiding. It's my own damn fault that I wasn't strong enough, that I bit off more than I could chew. It was _my_ fault that I went out there like an idiot."

"What?" Ichimatsu exclaimed, he was getting angry. "You didn't hide like you said you were going to? Why?"

Karamatsu gave a careless shrug. "I thought I could take them all, I was stupid like that."

" _ **I did it to protect Ichimatsu."**_ A voice spoke up.

Karamatsu stiffened.

"Who said that?" He looked around for the source.

" _ **Damnit, it's ruining my act..."**_ The same voice spoke again.

Karamatsu spotted the source being ESP kitty.

"Aaahh! The cat talks!" He screeched.

The younger brothers blinked in surprise before they remembered that Karamatsu had not been present for the ESP kitty incident.

Inspiration struck Ichimatsu and he turned to his older brother and asked.

"Why didn't you hide like you said you were going to?"

Karamatsu was still freaking out about the talking cat, but he tried to keep up the facade of arrogance.

"I wanted to test my strength, when I saw them from my hiding place, I thought that they didn't look that tough. I just underestimated them."

" _ **I heard them saying that they would split up to find us easier. I attacked them so that their attention would be on me instead of Ichimatsu."**_ ESP kitty interjected.

"What? No! You stupid cat! That's not true!" Karamatsu wanted to pull his hair out in frustration.

" _ **Stop speaking the truth you stupid cat!"**_ ESP kitty echoed the Blue Matsu's true feelings.

Ichimatsu clenched his teeth. "Dammit! Dammit Kusomatsu!"

In a fit of anger, Ichimatsu slammed his fist against the wall. "You fucking idiot!" He yelled out as he stomped off.

Jyushimatsu cast an uncertain glance at Karamatsu before racing to catch up to the fourth brother.

"What the hell?" Karamatsu's mind was spinning, everything was happening too fast.

"This cat says what people are really thinking, Niisan. It's telling the truth." Todomatsu explained.

Karamatsu took a moment to process that tidbit before turning to his youngest brother. "I'm tired now, please leave so that I can rest."

" _ **I want you to leave so that you don't hear any more of my true thoughts."**_ ESP kitty chimed in.

"Niisan…" Todomatsu began.

Karamatsu shook his head. "Please!" The desperation in his voice was so painful to hear.

"I… I'll be nearby if you need me, just call someone." Totty said, it was easy to hear the hesitance and worry in his voice as he made his way out of the room.

Once he was alone again, Karamatsu let out a deep sigh and buried his face in his hands.

Why was everything falling apart?


	12. Choices - Life or Death

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. None of you are eligible to become living donors."

It was hours after the testing and they were once again gathered together to speak with the doctor. The middle aged man had a somber expression as he told them the news that made their hearts sink.

"What? Why?" Matsuyo was devastated, the desperation in her voice was palatable. The rest of the Matsuno family voices similar sentiments.

The doctor sighed as he adjusted his glasses.

"You all have some sort of health complication that would disqualify you. A living donor must be healthy, because even with a healthy donor there are risks. There is always a small possibility of something going wrong with a surgery even in an already healthy person. For a person with health concerns… we cannot in good conscience go through with a surgery when it would be detrimental to the donor."

"What complications do we have?" Choromatsu spoke up, hoping to gain a better picture of the situation.

"Do I have your permission to share your medical information with each other? Yes? Well, for Matsuzo-san he is morbidly obese and has problems with high blood pressure. Doing a surgery such as this will put additional stress on his body which could be very damaging."

"Matsuyo-san has anemia and is a little underweight. A surgery would be too much strain on her body."

"Osomatsu-san has already developed some liver problems from excess consumption of alcohol. This is unusual to see in someone so young, you may want to seek help."

"Choromatsu-san has anxiety disorder and is on medication. People on medication for mental disorders are prohibited from being donors. For that same reason, Jyushimatsu-san also cannot donate since he is taking medication for ADHD."

"Todomatsu-san, I'm afraid to tell you that you have hepatitis. It is a treatable illness, but it does affect the liver so you are also ineligible."

"What about me?" Ichimatsu spoke up, the doctor had paused for a while, gathering his thoughts.

"It was actually quite fortuitous that we performed so many tests. Ichimatsu-san, there were a number of your tests results that were troubling, which is why we did so much more testing with you than with the rest of your family.

"Ichimatsu-san, we found that you have lung cancer."

What?

It felt like the floor had dropped out beneath him, and his heart leapt to his throat before it plummeted.

"Since we have caught it early, the chances that you will survive five years are very good, perhaps nearly 50%. We should start treatment as soon as possible to take advantage of the early warning."

"Five years?" Matsuyo asked, while wringing her hands worriedly.

"Five years is just a standard measurement, many people live longer than five years. You're lucky, if it had progressed further, even with the best treatment you might have only had two, maybe three years at most." The doctor explained.

"What if I refuse treatment?" Ichimatsu asked suddenly.

The doctor was taken aback by the question, but answered anyway.

"I suppose you might live a year, maybe two at most. It depends on how fast the cancer spreads. Without treatment, you may have as little as only half a year. At this point we would need to do more tests to determine that."

Ichimatsu felt numb at the prospect of his impending death, but then a thought occurred to him.

"If I have cancer in my lungs, isn't my liver alright? Why can't I become a living donor?" He asked as he looked up at the doctor.

The man frowned and shook his head. "By our moral code, we cannot perform a transplant if it could do permanent harm to the donor. Undergoing surgery and losing a part of your liver would weaken your immune system. With your condition, that could really shorten your lifespan. You also have a greater chance of dying from the surgery alone, than if you were perfectly healthy."

Ichimatsu grit his teeth at that. "I don't care! If I'm not going to live long anyway, what does it matter?" He yelled out.

The doctor shook his head and truly did look regretful. "I'm sorry, but even if it is your choice to not seek treatment, we still cannot in good conscience perform the surgery."

Ichimatsu exploded at that. "Don't fuck around! My brother's life is on the line!"

"Even still, we cannot do it. I am sorry." The doctor would not be moved.

"Fucking hell! God damn it!"

Ichimatsu stormed out of the doctor's office, kicking the door open violently as he went. As he left the hospital, he left a path of destruction in his wake.

Every so often, he would kick over some flower pot, smash a window or punch a wall.

Jyushimatsu hurried after his older brother to do some sort of damage control as the rest of the family tried to deal with the latest turn of events.

Ichimatsu wandered about aimlessly. He had managed to get rid of his yellow shadow eventually. Jyushimatsu hovered around him trying his best to cheer his older brother up but to no avail. Ichimatsu finally got fed up and just told him to fuck off.

Jyushi's face crumpled and Ichimatsu felt like utter shit. Before he could apologise, the fifth brother had run off, leaving him alone like he had wanted.

Somehow, his feet found their way to that godforsaken place where everything went to shit.

He looked up as he recognized the park, and more specifically the park bench.

 _With a sigh, he scooped up the renegade ESP kitty. They had nearly made it to the bathhouse when the cat squirmed out of his grip and ran off._

 _Not ready to be parted with his feline friend so soon, he followed. Every now and then, when he had almost lost sight of the cat, it would stop and wait. When Ichimatsu was nearly within reach, the cat would race off once again._

 _It was only when they had reached the park that the kitty allowed himself to be caught._

 _Ichimatsu was slightly out of breath as he held the cat, he absentmindedly stroked the purring kitten's head as he looked around._

 _Blinking in surprise, he caught sight of a familiar figure in blue, seemingly sleeping on the bench._

 _Sighing, he reluctantly went to wake the second eldest. The park was no place to sleep, especially since it was almost dark._

 _He came just close enough to kick the elder's shin none too gently._

" _Oi, Kusomatsu, wake up." He said gruffly._

 _When there was no response, he went to try harder. This time, he took pity on his brother's injured state and just shook him._

" _Kusomatsu! Get up!" He shouted louder._

 _The sound of something hollow hitting the ground drew his attention, looking down, he found an empty orange pill container. Curious, he picked it up and read the label before paling._

 _It was a prescription for Vicodin for Karamatsu. It had been filled today._

 _But most worrying was the fact that it was empty._

 _He turned his attention to his brother once again, this time, he was more desperate._

" _Oi! WAKE UP!" He said frantically as he shook his brother roughly._

 _Karamatsu did not even stir, and Ichimatsu could hear that his breathing was laboured. Unconsciously, he took a step back and then heard the sound of crunching glass. Looking down, he realized that he had stepped on the shattered remains of his brother's beloved mirror._

 _Ichimatsu was just starting to panic, when he saw his brothers approaching._

 _Todomatsu was the only one that always had his cell phone on him. He turned to bark an order at the youngest._

" _Call an ambulance! Hurry!"_

Before that day, he would have never considered that Karamatsu could be suicidal. The man was just so damn happy all the time. He was confidant, and social. If Ichimatsu was honest with himself, he would admit that Karamatsu was everything he wished he could be.

There was a time when he had unashamedly looked up to his older brother. When they were kids, he had felt closest to Jyushimatsu and Karamatsu. With Jyushimatsu, they got along well in spite of being complete opposites of one another. But with Karamatsu… Of all his brothers, he felt like he had the most in common with the second brother. And Karamatsu felt the most 'older brotherly' out of the older set. Osomatsu was their de facto leader in their hijinks, and Choromatsu was rapidly becoming the mother hen. But Karamatsu just… _**felt**_ like how an older brother should.

Karamatsu was strong enough to look up to and had a protective streak a mile long. He normally managed to show that he was there for his younger siblings without being smothering. He was quiet and thoughtful, the only other brother that seemed to be able to just enjoy the quiet moments of life.

Ichimatsu hated how they had drifted apart, but what was worse was that he knew that he could only blame himself. Karamatsu never stopped trying, never stopped caring. Ichimatsu tried to push him away for protection.

But protection from what?

He tried to convince himself that his older brother would be better off keeping his distance. No need to be tainted by the cursed brother, 'unlucky number four'. As he descended into darkness, he knew that he did not want to drag any of his brothers down with him.

But… Was that really for the best?

Karamatsu… did he do this because of them? Did they drive their brother to this point?

Did he…?

When Karamatsu woke up the first time, they were all filled with relief. Relief that their brother had survived. But they were quickly horrified by his violent reaction to his survival.

Karamatsu's second awakening was worse, and they didn't think that was possible before then. To learn that he had been planning his suicide for years… To find that his 'cool guy' act was made to make them hate him… That he wanted to be hated, hated so that he would not be missed.

It was heartbreaking.

How could he had missed the pain that his brother was going through? Jyushimatsu was the only one with a clue as to what had changed in their brother.

They had all known that Karamatsu loved to play his guitar, but the rest of them had never suspected that he had once dreamed of being a rock star.

A now impossible dream with his injuries.

Why had he never told them? Why did he let himself suffer in silence? Ichimatsu wanted to ask, but was afraid of the answer. He knew that Karamatsu would do anything for his brothers. He would bury his pain just to ease his brother's mind and not stir up any more guilt.

With a sigh, Ichimatsu kicked a can as he made his way toward an alleyway. Maybe he would find a cat there. He stopped short when he heard a strange sound from where the can had landed on a paper bag.

Curiously, he inspected the contents of the bag. His eyes widened as he realized what was inside of it.

His phone rang and he absentmindedly shoved the bag into his hoodie pocket.

It was his mother.

He sighed as he answered the call.

"Ichimatsu, come home. Dinner's almost ready, since you missed lunch you need to eat a good dinner." His mother scolded. "After dinner, we'll talk about the treatment options the doctor told us about. I don't care if you don't want to seek treatment. You are going to do it!"

"Kaasan…"

"Please!" She interrupted, he could hear the strain in her voice.

"I can't… I can't lose you too." She finished brokenly.

His heart clenched. "Did something happen? Karamatsu-niisan… did some-"

"Just come home, Ichimatsu, we'll talk then." His mother said briskly before ending the call.

Ichimatsu was left staring at his now silent phone dreading this new turn of events.

It turned out that Karamatsu had slipped into a coma from acute liver failure and was going to be transferred to an organ transplant center in the morning to increase his odds of being able to receive a new liver in time.

His parents tried to sound hopeful as they told him the news, but he knew that things were not looking good. In a way, they were hoping for a miracle.

It was his mother's tears that convinced him to listen to the doctor talk about treatment options (emotional blackmail at its finest). They would speak with the doctor after visiting Karamatsu one more time before the transfer. The organ transplant center was farther from their house, so it would take longer to get there as well as a lot more planning and coordination to be there for Karamatsu.

After a quiet and somber dinner, no one really wanted to do anything. They all made a half-hearted attempt at their usual pastimes, but it was obvious that their minds were on other matters.

Matsuyo finally had had enough and sent her sons to bed, stating that they would need to be at the hospital early in the morning.

The brothers were exhausted and so they put in only a token effort of protest. The last week, their sleep had been fitful at best. After the first sleepless night spent on waiting to see if Karamatsu would wake up from the overdose, any sleep they had been able to get after that had been plagued with nightmares.

It was as they settled to go sleep that their mother came into their bedroom.

"Kaasan?" Todomatsu questioned as he sat up.

Matsuyo shushed him as she turned off the light. It was only as the light went out in the room that they were able to notice the small orb that she had been holding since it glowed softly in the dark. And then the music started.

It was a simple melody, but one that they had all grown up with. It was one of Todomatsu's favorite lullabies as a child. They now recognized the small nightlight as a gift that Karamatsu had given to the youngest a few birthdays ago. At the time, Todomatsu had been disgusted with the gift (It had his brother's painful face on it) and had shoved it to the back of the closet, but now, seeing it again brought comfort.

And then their mother started to sing.

ねんねんよおころりよすやすやとお休みなさい

"Kaasan, we're adults, you don-" Choromatsu protested weakly before being shushed by his mother.

Matsuyo had set the lamp down and was carding her fingers through her third son's hair as she continued to sing.

ねんねんよおころりよ優しい人に育ちますように 神様ありがとう、エンゼルもありがとう

Choromatsu relaxed under his mother's touch and closed his eyes while listening to the song.

ねんねんよおころりよママの胸でお休みなさい

Matsuyo then turned her attention to Osomatsu and Todomatsu, using one hand for each brother to stroke their heads.

ねんねんよおころりよすやすやとお休みなさい

Todomatsu leaned into his mother's touch and soaked up as much comfort as he could from his favorite lullaby.

ねんねんよおころりようるせる人に育ちますよに 神様ありがとう出会いをありがとう

Osomatsu felt himself become so drowsy as he was soothed by the lullaby, his mother's touch made him feel safe.

ねんねんよおころりよママの胸でお休みなさい

Matsuyo had checked on Jyushimatsu, but he seemed to be soundly asleep by the third stanza. She then moved to the other end where the fourth son laid.

Out of all the brothers, Ichimatsu was probably the best at feigning sleep. He felt his mother come to him and stroke his hair. He let his breathing even out, giving the illusion of him peacefully sleeping.

Their mother stayed with them, singing that lullaby several more times. It was nearly a half hour later that she silently stood up, landed a kiss to each of her sons' foreheads and then made her way out of the Sexptuplet's bedroom.

Ichimatsu laid there for over an hour just listening to sounds of his sleeping siblings before he sat up and silently made his way out of the bedroom.

He went to their living room feeling restless and unsure. Perhaps he could read one of Osomatsu's manga or something. Something, anything to distract himself.

It was as he turned on the light that he realized that Todomatsu had left his phone on the table and that it was unlocked.

How careless.

Any other time that would have been seen as an invitation to be pranked.

Ichimatsu picked it up intending on turning it off when he saw what was on the screen.

It was search results for cancer treatments.

His mother had tried to convince him that he had to make the best of a bad situation. As bad as having Karamatsu in the hospital was, it led to the early discovery of the cancer. That it would be a waste not to take advantage of the early warning.

But the whole situation just seemed wrong to Ichimatsu.

Was it going to happen _**again**_?

Was he going to be saved by Karamatsu _**again**_?

With how shitty he had treated his older brother, he didn't deserve to be saved.

Karamatsu was on death's door, but now because of the cancer everyone was concerned about him?

Why was it always him that would be saved?

Ichimatsu stared blankly off into the night sky, dimly wondering if stars held the answers.

Ichimatsu looked up at the doctor, his dull eyes drilling holes into the poor man. He had left the house early and alone to make his way to the hospital. The doctor had tried to tell him to wait for the consultation appointment they already had scheduled, especially since his mother had wanted to be present. Ichimatsu pointed out that he was an adult, and that he only had a few questions. The intense, dark gaze finally got the doctor to agree.

"So I read up on some treatment options. That they can be really hard on the body, right? Make you feel sick and stuff?" He finally asked.

The doctor shook off the unnerving stare. "You are referring to Chemotherapy? Yes, the treatment can be hard on the body, but you have very good odds of making it through the treatment."

"Yes, good odds for five years." Ichimatsu said bitterly.

The doctor frowned. "That is just a standard measurement. There is a very good chance that after treatment, you could live a long and full life."

Ichimatsu mulled over that thought before he changed the subject abruptly.

"How long does he have? If he doesn't get a new liver in time?" Turning the conversation to his dying brother.

If the doctor was thrown off by the change in subject, he didn't show it as he answered truthfully.

"Possibly 24 to 48 hours, but he may have as long as a week. These things can really vary." He said reluctantly, he wished that it didn't sound so bleak.

There was a long, uncomfortable moment that passed before Ichimatsu stood up and gave a shallow bow of thanks to the doctor before turning to leave the room.

The doctor had just returned his attention to his paperwork when he heard the young Matsuno speak up, just short of the door.

"Ah, Doctor, I have one more thing to ask of you..."

The doctor let out a sigh as he looked up. "What is i-?"

"W-wait! Stop!"

The doctor panicked at seeing Ichimatsu pull out a gun from his hoodie pocket.

Ichimatsu gave one last solemn look before bringing the gun to his head.

"Save Karamatsu-niisan."

 _ **BANG!**_


	13. Choices - Savior

Dammit! Why was it always him being protected? Sure Karamatsu had been born before him, but they are the same damn age.

Between the two of them, Karamatsu probably has the best shot at life. If he hadn't been so wrapped up in that stupid act of his, he probably could have gone far in life. Regarding schoolwork, Karamatsu's grades had been as good as Choromatsu's. It wasn't until High School that they took a dive, what with Karamatsu claiming to be too cool to study all the time. Looking back, it was easy to guess that he had just given up on the future at that point.

He hated it.

Now if he gave up, it would be as if Karamatsu's life was in vain. Ichimatsu despised the fact that he had already given up the hope that Karamatsu would survive but he could not find it in himself to believe that a miracle would happen, that his brother would get a liver in time and live.

The weight of carrying that burden, the knowledge that he was saved by his brother's death…

He hated it.

He hated himself. He didn't want to try. He didn't want to fight for his life.

Why was it always Karamatsu? Why was he always the sacrifice?

Ichimatsu had always looked up to his older brother, even when he had been so harsh with him. He wanted to be strong like him.

Stupid cancer! It was so stupid that he couldn't be a living donor just because of the cancer that was in a completely different part of his body. His liver was perfectly fine!

His liver… was fine...

He couldn't be a living donor, but what about a dead one?

Ichimatsu's heart raced as he considered the possibilities.

He knew the heartbreak his family would face if he died or really, if any of them died.

But…

What if it was unavoidable?

What if there was no other way for Karamatsu to get a liver in time?

What if the cancer treatment couldn't save him, and he died anyway?

Their family would lose two sons if that were the case.

On the other hand, it was possible that Karamatsu would find a donor in time. It was also possible for the cancer treatment to be successful. Then they would both live.

Ichimatsu scoffed at the idea.

Sure, and we'll all live happily ever after.

It would be nothing short of a miracle for them both to survive, and Ichimatsu didn't believe in miracles. Knowing their luck, they would both die.

What a waste.

But if he could give Karamatsu his liver…

At least then there would only be one death in the family.

Ichimatsu thought back on all the times that Karamatsu had helped him, saved him when they were growing up. He had always admired his brother's strength, but it made him feel pathetic at the same time. That he needed his older brother to bail him out every time. They were the same age, dammit! Shouldn't their relationship be more equal? Just once, Ichimatsu wanted to be the one that saved one of his brothers.

Well, it seems that he would get his wish.

With a newfound resolve, Ichimatsu plotted on what he would need to do.

It would have to be a quick and absolutely fatal death. He couldn't chance surviving. He also had to make sure that his body would not be too damaged, he needed his liver to survive intact. He needed to make sure that his body was found quickly enough that his organs wouldn't decay, but he also had to make sure that no one could interfere, that no one could save him.

Ichimatsu thought intensely as he mulled over the possibilities. He could hang himself, but no, would that damage his organs? Besides, he didn't want his family to be the ones to discover his dead body. Besides, if he did it wrong, then he would die a horrible death by strangulation rather than having his neck snap.

He could jump off a building… but no, that wouldn't work either. There were too many things that could go wrong. Besides, that would probably damage his liver.

He could…

Ichimatsu's eyes widened as inspiration struck him.

As quietly as possible, he snuck into their shared closet and pulled out his discovery from earlier.

It was only when he made it back to their living room that he pulled out the inauspicious paper bag and studied its contents.

A small handgun.

It had no doubt been used in some crime before being discarded in that alleyway since guns were heavily regulated in Japan.

With the utmost caution, Ichimatsu checked the gun to find that it was indeed loaded.

It was perfect. It would be quick and easy.

Now he needed to make sure that his idiot brother didn't try to take his life again.

Suddenly, Ichimatsu was struck by an epiphany.

He would never get to speak with Karamatsu again.

He would never get the chance to speak to any of his family again.

But out of all his family, he had the most to say to Karamatsu.

What could he say to the rest of his family?

'I'm sorry'? But really, he wasn't, especially if this saved his brother.

'I love you'? They all knew that right? Besides, he had never been expressive with words, and uttering something so sappy would be beyond difficult.

But to Karamatsu…

There were so many things that had gone unsaid between them. So many things that he wanted to tell his older brother.

Perhaps he could write a note? He grimaced at the thought; this was to be a private message to Karamatsu, he didn't want to chance his other nosy brothers reading it before him.

Besides, he really hated writing; he was almost worse at putting his thoughts down on paper than he was at speaking them.

Ichimatsu clenched his hands as he stared up considering his options. He hadn't been looking at anything in particular, but his eyes landed on Todomatsu's smartphone that he had set on the table.

Suddenly, he was struck by inspiration. He remembered that the youngest brother had shown them all how he could record short videos using the phone's camera. He could say his goodbye to Karamatsu that way!

It took nearly 20 minutes of fumbling around for Ichimatsu to figure out how to work the damn thing. He had never been the most tech savvy. It took another half hour before he was satisfied with the result. There were a million more things that he had wanted to say to his older brother, but he had gotten out the essentials.

Now he just had to send it.

They all had e-mail addresses, even though most of them rarely utilized their shared laptop. For the most part, he and Jyushimatsu only checked their e-mail once in a blue moon. Osomatsu only checked up every now and then to look at his updates to his favorite porn websites. Choromatsu used it to keep up with his Otaku shit, and Karamatsu still kept in contact with some of his High School buddies.

So Ichimatsu knew that eventually, Karamatsu would find it if he emailed it to him.

Unfortunately for Ichimatsu, he was unaware that sending an attachment as large as a video file from the phone was not possible. He didn't pick up that the email sat in undelivered limbo when he deleted the file.

Having completed that, he headed to the hospital. He paused as he closed the front door behind him. The customary phrase of 'Ittekimasu' was on the tip of his tongue before he remembered. He would never come home again. He swallowed the words and instead said 'Sayonara' as he left his home for the last time.


End file.
